jessica1814's Journals on Buzznet http://jessica1814.buzznet.com/user/journal/ en-us <![CDATA[Spiritual day]]> http://jessica1814.buzznet.com/user/journal/3268061/ I typed a whole story about today about me going to a spritual day but i think most of it should remain privatly... i pressed delete because its something between me, my grandpa and this woman called Enra. She told me something about my grandpa, and something about my grandma after she held the picture of both of them.. she said she could feel him, and she said that she felt that my grandma and grandpa were like one. that they couldnt live without each other. and more things that will remain private..

one thing i will say is that she asked if the girl next to me is my friend. i said yes she is.. and she told me that what brought us together was death.. hmmm... nice XD

I dont know what to think of today..  i totally believe it but how does she know it all? i have never seen this woman before and she doesnt know me either!

]]> jessica1814 Buzznet jessica1814 2008-10-26T08:57:00Z <![CDATA[This beautiful hell of ours]]> http://jessica1814.buzznet.com/user/journal/2873311/ I am sure that a lot of you know that I am going to become and aunt next year. I know this is great to a lot of you and well it is to me to. But our situation isnt bright at all right now.. And I dont know how to live at the moment. I know it might sound silly and stupid perhaps but it is all so hard. I dont know how to start explaining this but my sister her boyfriend and her had a fight yesterday. it was so bad that my bf left the house and went to my moms friends house. He phoned her up and said that if my sister didnt let him come back, he'd drive tegainst a tree and kill himself. He has said this before.My sister was so upset that she had to throw up.. He threw a lot of bad things at her, first of all he literly threw his laptop across the room. Second he said that my sister is selfish, that she is responsible for the fact that he cannot eat, that he fainted at work, that he cant focus..he said its all her fault. he said he wants the baby to carry his name and not hers. He said that because my sister refuses to live at his mothers house that they cannot make it.. that they are doomed to fail. he listens to all his mothers says. he cannot live without his mother. i dont think its weird that my sister doesnt want to life there, they live about 1 and half hour from here. and my sis her bf his mom is always budding in.. she will be 'raising' the baby. my sister said that if it goes on like this with their relationship that they are not together anymore when the baby comes in march. and my sister and my mom fear that he will try to take the baby away from her. he will use my mom her behavior, her drinking, he will use our family financial situation. and he will try to prove that we are not able to take care of a baby. guys this is killing me..

my mom went to my aunt today because my aunt offered to pay for my younger sister her books otherwhise she cannot go to school..  my mom doesnt have the money for it.. she has money to pay for 1 month of rent.. i maybe should not say this over here. but i need to rant, this is hurting me in a big way that a journal that doesnt talk back can fix. well not that you guys can fix it but i really need positive thoughts because i got none.. life is bringing me down..

At the moment I think my live is just one big failure. its just that everything is bringing me down.. its like the world turns against me again.. it feels like i have to sit it out and just feel completely let down and torned down by all arround me you know.. i am sure that there are a lot of people who feel the same but.. i have been threw so much already and so has my family and it finally calmed down here and we were doing well.. and now.. its all turning dark here arround me.. especially the money situation scares the living shit out of me.. if my mom doesnt get an extra job FAST than we are standing on the streets in a few months.. and if we are standing on the streets.. i wonder what will happen than... I really wish not do know and never expierence it either.

]]> jessica1814 Buzznet jessica1814 2008-08-17T11:46:00Z <![CDATA[2 years ago]]> http://jessica1814.buzznet.com/user/journal/2755971/ today, exactly 2 years ago I joined buzznet.. I came on buzznet after searching for Ville Valo pictures.. I was totally inlove with all the photos i saw of Ville.. and ofcourse all the information about the band. I fell inlove with the band even more after hearing about their background, seeing live performances.. and ofcourse the fans that HIM has are amazing (with a few exeptions) when i joined buzznet there werent that many recent pics of ville posted because it wasnt going so well with Ville at that time.. there wasnt much information about HIM either.. i remembered feeling sad for ville, and i wished he would get better.. soon after i joined buzznet for HIM, buzznet became an outlet for my depression, i noticed that people cared for me..they listened to me and tried to help me.. something that i hadnt felt in a long time.. after a few months, i became so depressed that i tried to commit suicide.. i hit rock bottom.. i didnt know what else to do, i felt let down by the world but mostly myself.. when i look back on it, i knew i made a mistake and i am soo thankfull that God let me live..  that he didnt let my suicide attemp work.. i heared that my friends here at buzznet, tried to help and tried to contact me.. they did.. they contacted my school at first.. they send me a nice card to me in the hospital.. i am forever thankfull.. thanks to them i didnt feel completely alone.. at school i was always an outsider, the kids bullied me.. i just never thought i'd fit in anywhere.. i gave up hope.. in the end of 2007 my life got turned upside down somehow, it was getting brighter.. and i saw light in the dark world i lived in for many years starting since 2003.. i have seen to many pshyciatrests in my whole life.. i never felt like any of them helped.. i was just to embarrest to fully open myself to them.. i always pretended i was doing well but i never felt well.. i was always faking just so i got rid of them.. in the past 2 years, i have been through so much.. i am not myself anymore and i am thankfull.. i was sooo shy, i never really said anything.. but now i am overcoming that.. i am putting myself out there.. i will never be up front, you know, but i wont be at the back either... i never thought i had a future.. but look at me now.. i do have a future, and i will work to have a future... i want to thank everyone here at buzznet that helped me over come my fears, those who listened to me and sticked by me when things got rough for me.. even some who are no longer on buzznet.. i will never forget you guys ever!!!

talking about my future, i am going to became an aunt next year.. i am so exicted that my sister is pregnant ^^ its going to be great.. i am going to be this baby's aunt ^^ aunt Jessica.. that sounds so funny XD also i am going to visit my best buddie in America next year.. i am so exicted about that to... school is going well, i have friends.. people text message me when i am sick and they phone me..  i got a real job finally XD i am making money and i get to know more people.. not in my wildest dreams i could have dreamed that my life would turn out this way..  i know i have many more things to get on my road.. good and bad things.. but i know that i can overcome those bad things.. 

I learned in the past two years that even though life is dissapointed most of the time, the little good things are worth every tear you will ever cry.... I try to remember when i am down..

]]> 2 years on buzznet jessica1814 life ranting Buzznet jessica1814 2008-07-28T07:50:00Z <![CDATA[..]]> http://jessica1814.buzznet.com/user/journal/2635271/ have you ever had the feeling that you shouldnt be doing something.. but you do it anyway.. i am feeling very strange the past few days.. everything i think about is food and exercising :(((..  yesterday evening.. i ate something.. and i felt bad about it.. and i put my finger in my throat.. and vomited it out.. i know its very stupid but i just couldnt help it.. i felt disgusting and fat.. today we were going to eat pancakes.. i was baking them.. i told my mom i ate aswell.. but i didnt.. i just cant.. pancakes make you fat.. and fat people shouldnt eat fat things shouldnt they?! so it doesnt matter if i am hungry :( its my own fault, i dont want to think this way but i do.. i am all obsessed with food.. last week  i bought some stuff at our supermarket.. wich is so stupid!!!! i shouldnt be eating those things.. but my friends went there and i went with them.. and i bought something.. i am just not that strong to not buy anything :((  some days i stuff myself.. and other days i starve myself.. wich is not good..  

does anyone feel that way?! -__-

 

 

 

ok i stop whining now.. bye :(

]]> jessica1814 Buzznet jessica1814 2008-07-06T10:19:00Z <![CDATA[See who i am]]> http://jessica1814.buzznet.com/user/journal/2439401/ See who i am

through all the tears i cried

See who i am

through all the fears that died

 

Look close and deep into my eyes

And see who i am

I will no longer hide

you will see, who i really am...

 

 


 

]]> jessica1814 poem poems Buzznet jessica1814 2008-05-31T11:02:00Z <![CDATA[I hate you]]> http://jessica1814.buzznet.com/user/journal/2379381/ So today my mom, my younger sister and me went to he glasses guy and well my sister got glasses. she kept smiling on such a stupid way... tss.. it was so stupid it makes me cranky.. anyway we were also there to test my eyes. and my mom asked the glasses woman aboute glasses and she put them on my sister.. than she got some stuff etc.. and my mom was like, thank you, bye.. and i was like "WHAT ABOUT ME????" she doesnt care that i cant read things that are further than 3/4 metres away!! she doesnt give a shit about me.. i hate her so so much.. and to top it i ripped out of my pants.. my ONLY pants.. and she doesnt even wanna go to the store with me!!!! i dont have money and she doesnt wanna go with me.. she hasnt bought me anything for since november last year or something. all my stuff i had to pay for myself.. its not fair.. i have to go to my intern school with 27 kids, whom are 6 years old.. and i have an enormous hole between my leggs..

 

I hate her.. she is so selfish :(( i should go now and cry for a bit :(

 

bye, me

]]> jessica1814 Buzznet jessica1814 2008-05-19T07:51:00Z <![CDATA[school reuinion?]]> http://jessica1814.buzznet.com/user/journal/2359091/ So today i went to my old school.. the one i went to the past 2 years and that gave me hell.. it was such a terrible time.. it still gives me shivers thinking about those moment.. but we got a letter that we could pick up some stuff from the past years.. and well it was so weird seeing everyone again.. i mean i could care less that they were there.. i could almost throw up on a lot of those people.. and always.. and than i mean ALWAYS people give you a look.. they look at your like you are some kind of freak.. this girl looked at me (she used to be my friend like 5 years ago) but than she started to bully me when we went to different schools.. anyway she looked at me and i had to laugh so hard!!!!! i dont know why.. those people amuse me these days XD.. she looked at me, so weirdly but she was the one that looked like a b*tch.. lol...  i am so glad i am at a different school now.. all those teacher aproached me with 'how are you doing these days?! are you holding up okay?'.. i am doing fine now.. and i am happy and i have friends.. its been a long time since i have felt this good..

 its just annoying they still think i am still some suicidal kid..  and that i still have issues and shit.. but i am not..  i worked and am still working hard on myself.. its not them that helped me, its me and people here and now at my new school.. those years at that school are forgotten, like they never happened.. i am glad that i can think that.. sure there were some nice kids but most of hem were fuckers.. and i saw a few boys and i was like "gosh, jerk... and you,  you are a dickhead'.. lol.. at school before i left there my teacher asked me, if i had anything on their help.. they were like "just incase this happends again, we know how to act '.. gosh.. the girl/boy who thinks about it next time and goes to that school.. DONT try to kill yourself.. they make it even worse!!!! :P anyway i am glad i am doing better, and that i dont cut myself no more.. and tht i dont have thoughts about wanting to jump in front of a train anymore..

 

 

]]> jessica1814 Buzznet jessica1814 2008-05-15T08:37:00Z <![CDATA[Argh haters are everywhere]]> http://jessica1814.buzznet.com/user/journal/2306551/


this is what someone left me on my fansite.. she should to get a life.. or atleast try to!!! i think i have to be scared now and not cross her path.. lmao XD freak.....

 

 

 

]]> Buzznet jessica1814 2008-05-05T04:59:00Z <![CDATA[Poem, by me]]> http://jessica1814.buzznet.com/user/journal/2285951/

I saw the very end
never saw the message you have send
I recieved the message at birth
When i first came to this earth

I cry and I tear
reality became my living fear
the end was close
when i took an overdose

when hope fails on you
than believing in good is the only thing you can do
I survived to say
There is always a new day

 

Written on April 30 2008

 

(C) Jessica1814

]]> jessica1814 poem poems Buzznet jessica1814 2008-05-01T03:49:00Z <![CDATA[Poem, I made]]> http://jessica1814.buzznet.com/user/journal/2274571/ Most of my poems do not rhyme.. i chose for that.. but this time, i thought i'd use some rhyme in my poem.. its a small poem but thats okay.. to my horror, i recently discovered that my mother picked up her old drinking problem.. I couldnt believe it, she keps buying more and more alcohol.. Why doesnt she see how bad that stuff is??

 

MOM

Your heart so lonely and defeated

thats what you get when you choose a man who cheated

it might feel like you wish to die

but its me whom will cry

 

I thought you used no more

it makes you cranky and sore

you yell and you shout

I close my ears, coz its so loud

 

You are never here

but...... I thought you love us so dear??

 

(C) Jessica1814

 


 

]]> jessica1814 mom mother poem poems Buzznet jessica1814 2008-04-29T08:29:00Z